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To all of the Vaishnavas, past present, and future, far and near, all dear within my heart as you are most dear to my Lord.
Thank you for your sincere devotion to Krishna all these years, and please accept my humble obeisances and apologies for being so veiled by ignorance and misjudging the situation due to getting triggered by almost inhuman amounts of pain as a child and up until the last few months, really. I hope you can all forgive me as I am just now remembering my deep love for Their Lordships Srimati Radhika and Sri Sri Krsna, and I know now that all good is possible and will reign on earth as long as we keep faith.
The lawsuit against ISKCON is still going on—it is just in state court now, but I am dropping my participation and praying that others’ eyes and hearts will open as mine have. Please forgive me, as we are all one, trying to remember our original position of devotion within Krsna’s lotus heart. May ISKCON’s true heart shine pure and bright with this shiny new year.
Dear Mr. Turley,
Again, I am trying to get a response from you regarding my decision to drop my part in the lawsuit against ISKCON for child abuse. I have had a complete change of heart, and my trust for the Divine Will of the Supreme Creator and Controller has been reawakened, much thanks to the saint Mata Amritanandamayi Devi. She says something that I have been feeling so much the last year: "God’s grace cannot lift us if we are carrying the weight of desires and the ego."
a. For many years, until meeting her actually, I felt like God had abandoned me in this life, and sometimes I even felt like he wanted me to fight this battle against corruption within His temples, but recently I have realized that He is taking care of every detail and that everyone will be compensated for their actions—in His Perfect way—whether it be punishment or reward. Only He truly knows how to deal with these complex situations that on the surface seem simple but are spanning over lifetimes and across time and space even.
As human consciousness is simultaneously degenerating and evolving, the importance of forgiveness seems priority to me. I am realizing that we are all brothers and sisters within God’s heart as well as mirrors for each other. We can learn from each other without harming them in return because that just keeps the cycle of karma going. And as we judge them, we usually end up finding traces of the very thing we judge within us, for it seems to get stuck in our body as we try to process it or avoid it. When we bring the light of compassion to any situation, it flows through the heart of it, finds the pure love that is the deepest seed within the problem and nurtures it until it grows bigger and stronger than the weeds. This way we do not end up embodying the evil we witness. Love is a higher vibration and has the power to transform the molecules of anything it comes into contact with.
b. My goal with the lawsuit had been to try to force more awareness to happen within ISKCON so that not a single other child would have to go through the pain and suffering I did. Now, I feel only like holding them in the best light within my heart prayers, knowing that their seed intention is beautiful and pure and everything else was mistakes that they must have learned by now are disastrous and consequential. I, however, want to focus all my energy in this lifetime on loving and seeing God everywhere, rather than fighting the darkness that follows the light everywhere.
c. As my heart has been opened back up to Krishna’s love, I have been seeing more and more the pure intentions behind the majority of people within ISKCON. Though so many didn’t seem to get it and the way I was raised seemed so loveless, I have so much honor now for the intention and the devotion that just didn’t get grounded into interpersonal relations. Now that I myself am pursuing a spiritual practice, I see how difficult it is when truly surrendering to God, to ground this in the illusion of worldly affairs. I have faith that they in ISKCON are learning how to bring it into personal dealings with other humans, just as I am and we all are evolving so much right now.
d. ISKCON is my family and I miss the temples. Krishna is my father, my mother, my guru, all my teachers, and you, even. To sue ISKCON would be to sue Krsna, for He is ultimately responsible for even the slightest blade of grass moving. Even though He is everywhere, not just in the temples, I feel like it’s important for the temples to stay open and for Krsna to be praised into infinity. I just feel horrible for losing faith in Him due to my intense suffering. It is only now that I have met the embodiment of pure, unconditional love in Mata Amritanandamayi (Amma), that my own essence of purity is being revealed and reflected, and it is deeply rooted, like a white lotus, in Srila Prabhupada’s gift of bringing Krishna to the West. I am such a better person able to handle such a wide array of experiences due to my suffering, and my compassion is boundless because of it. The gifts are still unfolding like unopened packages from Krishna lying at my feet. How could I have known that it was all for my ultimate supreme fulfillment? How could I have known that Krishna really was there watching over me the whole time? I only know now. And I feel apologetic beyond measure for being so ignorant that I doubted the presence of a loving God. Though so many people went so astray with His teachings and resources, I am committed to seeing another way to work things out besides a heartless battle.
Thank you so much for being so dedicated to the hearts of us as children. I know that you took the case on even though you knew it was a big risk financially because your heart felt compassion and you sincerely cared to help us get the help we needed. Mr. Turley, I know you will be rewarded for your compassionate heart, and though I hope it’s not through ISKCON’s downfall, I trust that God is the master player in all of these little webs we think we are weaving, and who knows what He has in store for us?
CHAKRA 9 January 2002
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